I am condemned to immortality

Je suis condamné à l’immortalité (version française)
Anyone would dream to have my role, anyone would enjoy its immortality, its freedom… But not me. First I really liked this work, living my life by proxy. Hid behind my screen, one clicks and I have the power to change the destiny of all those people.
Yes I am a life director, I think that you have guessed it. I am condemned to immortality I’d love this but then I met her. Well no, we didn’t know each other, I had discovered her file in fact. And when I understood what she was, I discovered freedom.

I imagined her lovely even if on her identity picture she wasn’t really pretty. She had big eyes, big child eyes. I understood quickly that no matter what I had changed on her file her life still goes on, I couldn’t lead her. I should have reported to her I know it, but she was so pure…
I could see her life happening under my eyes, for her every moment was precious, she had the ability to be amazed by everything and nothing. I think I was a bit jealous of her, I would like to look like her and leave this system.
The more I watched her the more I wanted to commit a folly. I had to see her! I was well aware that it was forbidden to be in contact with the file but I couldn’t see her live by far anymore. I wanted to live with her, I wanted her to teach me to breathe the life, I wanted her to show me the difference between survive and live, to point at happiness and invite me to dive into it with her, to splash her joy out on me, to tell me that the life had no meaning but that it doesn’t matter if we could see beauty in everything around us, if we know how to love the moments. I wanted to see the world with her eyes, to feel the cold air fill in my lungs, to listen leaves rustle in the wind like a symphony, I wanted her hands to stroke my hair, to embrace life and that everything stops being insipid.

So I did it, temptation was so big even bigger than the scare. I knew her habits by heart, I was the voyeur of her life, the spectator of her wonderful travel which unlike mine, was ephemeral.
I knew that she came here take a coffee every Saturdays, it was a moment just for her. So I went there. I remember saw her from faraway, she had soft gait sometimes stealthy smile crossed her face, I knew she was thinking about simple but happy things and it made me smile too. I still remember her flowing dress moving in the breeze for each of her step. It was light pink with red pattern on the bottom border. But I prefer remembering it as a white dress, it gives her a more angelic aspect. In my memory she seems to be an apparition, wind carries to me her sweet perfume. I can see her hair moving in every ways and some strands whipping on her face. I still hear the sound of her sandals resonate on road. I see this sun’s rays alight on her, I see her lean back her head to totally enjoy heat that it can give her, her big eyes crease, her pulpy mouth stretch. I would like to live the moment again and again.
The first time I just watch her by far, second and third time too. The fourth time she smiled at me and I decided to start conversation.
She liked to speak about everything, nothing bored her. Hours were seconds when she was there and her laugh made the time stop. It raised in silence or brouhaha and didn’t care about annoying people around, didn’t care to be too noisy, and I loved it.
She was the most beautiful thing I never known, shinny like a star she quickly became the heat my heart needed to beat louder.
Walks with her was rediscovered the world, everything fascinated her, her cellphone in her hand she took pics of anything without forgetting to relish each moment and keep it in her memories. Sometimes she looked at me the same way dive her eyes in mine, I had the impression that she could read my soul, that she intuitively knew everything about me. But I couldn’t say the truth to her about who I was, I never could. Maybe I should have…
With her I  became carefree, I learned to love, love the life, love the silence, love music, love to sleep, love those nights that never end, love to see her, love to feel her hot look on me, love simplicity, love complexity, love her smell, her voice, the taste of her lips, the softness of her skin, her always comforting presence. It could have last forever. But…

But she wasn’t like me and the signs of passing time started to show up. That was at this moment I understood that I could never live with her. I divested her of normal life. So I got out of her life.
Mine became again what it always was but nothing was the same, everything seemed cold to me. I have not been able to stop myself to follow her life from where I was. She finally got over our break up, not me.
But it wasn’t the most unbearable, one fucking day it had to have a last breath, everything ended and she really left me. This day I wished to can die with her.

I’m a life director, I’m condemned to immortality.


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